Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Update: Momanpopper alert!

My girlfriend has turned to the lottery because subconsciously she feels that after my constant inability to keep a job or start a career that our best bet may lay elsewhere. My dad use to do the same thing. I always thought it was neat. Now I know that it is a desperate cry for help.

I should just be happy that she is still  even with a loser like me.

I feel like a character from those romantic comedies where the guy is a loser and the girl leaves him at the beginning and its starts his journey to greatness and self discovery. Hope the latter is in the cards.

What did I DO? (Or not do)

<p>So for the last month? </p>
<p>Career division, career selection, career base products and start off point then stop.</p>
<p>Then, a sore Meniscus, a sore Achilles, a sore shoulder, low energy, spiraling cognitive reasoning, can't seem to do basic grade math or spelling (spelt both cognitive AND reasoning wrong, thanks spell check), oh, and complete loss of confidence in my physical ability.</p>
<p>This all seems to swirl together into what I like to call the Momanpopper. This is when my mom's propensity for depression and my dad's bi-polarism and appendage swelling become one and wreak havoc on my mind and life. </p>
<p>But things seem to be getting worse but I'm fighting. That's why I have tried instituting a new schedule,&nbsp; waking up early, pushing my limits and yet the structure is in place but nothing is happening. </p>
<p>I feel alone.</p>
<p>I pray but feel unanswered. I posture but feel unnoticed. And I am to afraid to talk from fear of judgment, disengagement or passing on my momanpopper by verbal contact.</p>
<p>So I plod and hope for miracle, my impatience fostering a boom or bust mentality, an A to-fuck-the-rest-of-the-alphabet-cause-I-want-it-now Z mindset. </p>
<p>And that brings us to today. Made through another one but  it feels worse. I suck at baseball, and softball, my body hurts and I don't seem to know how to communicate or listen anymore. My girlfriend slowly hates me more by the day and I don't know what to do. I can do anything right so for fear of fucking up I do nothing.  She tells me I don't listen anymore so I try to tell her what I 've been going through but all that comes out is "I 've been going through alot in head and it has been throwing me off lately" which is met with stiff an oh well lips curl inward cheeks puffed eyes big but glazed face and a nonchalant "I wish you would here what I'm saying the past few days" whining makes think :

A: how does she miss the slam dunk attempt to help me and talk about what's going

And B: if I can't hear cause I'm in the other room, sleeping, or by something loud OR I am looking right at you but I can't read your lips OR hear you, maybe you should speak up. Or if I say hey,  what did you say babe? Don't blow me off and say" nothing " because it was humanly impossible to hear you the first time. 

But I regress. Need that. Good night. Somebody pray for me.